sorry i have been quiet

(i could blame the intermittent rural wifi, but that would be an excuse, not a reason)

 

perhaps i am not ready to say goodbye

 

(but i am getting closer)

 

today, i was again reminded of why this is hard.

because i don’t feel like running.

i feel like clinging. to these people. to these familiar feelings. to this known space.

 

because it is good.

really good.

 

and what a gift.

what a gift to have a family you don’t want to flee

(i know how often this is not the reality).

what a gift to be surrounded.

 

which makes it so much harder.

and so much easier.

 

to know that you are held.

to have been shaped by so many.

to be loved (and to love) so deeply.

 

and i am really nervous.

really anxious.

but i am not afraid.

 

as i look ahead, i don’t feel any fear.

 

and this, in itself, is a gift.

 

and i am blessed.

 

(this is not farewell. not even ‘so long.’ just the beginning of the long goodbye…)