i can’t help but think of my

mom on this day.

this day of my birth.

 

they say that the antonyms of anticipation are:

ignorance, amazement, astonishment, doubt, fear, sensation, surprise, unreadiness.

but, i have the suspicion that all of these words

are true of someone waiting for new life…

 

what about apprehension?

is that the opposite of anticipation,

or is it actually a close companion,

like the other side of the coin.

 

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”

(Anatole France)

 

as i sit with those who are waiting for labour,

those who are waiting for death,

waiting for deliverance.

 

i think of my mom,

in those weeks before my arrival,

lying in a lonely hospital bed:

with anticipation

with apprehension

 

the opposite of apprehension is:

calmness, confidence, certainty, faith, peace, trust, ease

 

but, we don’t live in a world of dichotomies,

we live in a world of tension.

 

we live in the space between

anticipation and apprehension

 

because, while we can have faith

we can also have doubt.

 

we can have peace

and also have worry

 

we can have expectation

and also have fear

 

we live in the tension

between anxiously awaiting

and

apprehensively expecting

 

i don’t know anyone who can

sit in this place

with perfect peace

 

ask anyone 5 days overdue

or someone sitting at a

hospice bedside

 

apprehension is

part of the gift,

and shadow,

of anticipation.

 

? what are you apprehensive about today…

? what changes are you longing for but also fearful of…

? how do you seek peace in the midst of this tension…

>> try to spend 5 minutes in quiet meditation

          just sit in the tension, feel it…

                    and find rest there.

bless our anxious awaiting

our apprehensive expecting.

know that our fear,

is not a lack of faith.

know that our spirits long to 

rest and to trust. 

we ask for peace

in the shadow of the

unknown,

the shadow of

what is to

be(come).

we wait for you. 

and we trust that new life is growing.