i can’t help but think of my
mom on this day.
this day of my birth.
they say that the antonyms of anticipation are:
ignorance, amazement, astonishment, doubt, fear, sensation, surprise, unreadiness.
but, i have the suspicion that all of these words
are true of someone waiting for new life…
what about apprehension?
is that the opposite of anticipation,
or is it actually a close companion,
like the other side of the coin.
“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”
as i sit with those who are waiting for labour,
those who are waiting for death,
waiting for deliverance.
i think of my mom,
in those weeks before my arrival,
lying in a lonely hospital bed:
the opposite of apprehension is:
calmness, confidence, certainty, faith, peace, trust, ease
but, we don’t live in a world of dichotomies,
we live in a world of tension.
we live in the space between
anticipation and apprehension
because, while we can have faith
we can also have doubt.
we can have peace
and also have worry
we can have expectation
and also have fear
we live in the tension
between anxiously awaiting
i don’t know anyone who can
sit in this place
with perfect peace
ask anyone 5 days overdue
or someone sitting at a
part of the gift,
? what are you apprehensive about today…
? what changes are you longing for but also fearful of…
? how do you seek peace in the midst of this tension…
>> try to spend 5 minutes in quiet meditation
just sit in the tension, feel it…
and find rest there.
bless our anxious awaiting
our apprehensive expecting.
know that our fear,
is not a lack of faith.
know that our spirits long to
rest and to trust.
we ask for peace
in the shadow of the
the shadow of
what is to
we wait for you.
and we trust that new life is growing.