… or…
do the work, dammit…

or… the magic of mycelium…

my van stalled this morning, kind of.
so i was late for work.
and, i realized, once again,
that i want things easy.

i want the relationship i know.
i want to buy the co-worker’s car in the parking lot.

i don’t want to search online
for love like used cars
(even though i need both)

i want it to be easy.

and yet –
the best gifts in my
life have come to me:
freely
easily
beautifully
abundantly

does that mean i shouldn’t seek?

or do i need to “do the work”

am i just lazy?
or trusting?

(OR MAYBE THERE ARE NO DICHOTOMIES?!)

i think i may, in fact,
be an enneagram 9,
and a sexual one, at that.

if so, then sloth may be my
burden to bear,
and laziness my challenge –
but also,
the blissful union of surrender…

(but more on that after I chat
with Tamara, twas supposed to
be this eve but postponed)

anyway… do the work?

i write a lot about the work.

read about the work.

do i ever “do the work?”

anyway… joy?

(oh jules – between all that you’ve
written in the past 2 days and all
i’ve heard — and all that’s on my mind…

there’s just too much to say!)

oh. joy.

the joy of the work?
finding joy as work?
joy as a question?
joy as the answer?

i listened to half of ross gay’s interview on ‘on being’

and he spoke of… joy.

of delight.

you ask me what i orbit around…

ross orbits around joy:

““Oh, my question is joy.” My question that I could see that’s a life question is, “What is this joy?” Or, “How joy?””

“How joy?”

i love that.

but. he notes that joy is not easy.
is not ease:

“And that’s the thing. Sometimes I think there’s a conception of joy as meaning something like something easy. And to me, joy has nothing to do with ease. And joy has everything to do with the fact that we’re all going to die. When I’m thinking about joy, I’m thinking about — that at the same time as something wonderful is happening, some connection is being made in my life, we are also in the process of dying. That is every moment. That is every moment.”

but then jules,
he defines joy as the strands!
as luminous
as those silver mycelium strands,
the decay that connects and gives life:

“But in the process of thinking about it, I have really been thinking that joy is the moments — for me, the moments when my alienation from people — but not just people, from the whole thing — it goes away. And it shrinks. If it was a visual thing, everything becomes luminous. And I love that mycelium, forest metaphor, that there’s this thing connecting us. And among the things of that thing connecting us is that we have this common experience — many common experiences, but a really foundational one is that we are not here forever.

And that’s a joining — a “joy-ning.” So that’s sort of how I think about it.”

oh how i love this.

i just learned about mycelium this year.
by googling : what is the white stuff growing in my compost?
(turns out it is wonderful life-giving fungi)

i have to share a piece of this article i just read….

“Life as we know it would be much different if it weren’t for the mysterious and miraculous mycelium. Such an impressive entity, so different than most life on earth. This fungus can destroy and give life simultaneously.

… When the mycelium returns, a symbiotic relationship with my plants begin. Mycelium will entangle the roots of plants and trees and nourish the plant life. Mycelium will help plants absorb water and nutrients, as well as build up the immunity of the trees and plants. This is called the mycorrhizal network, but I don’t worry about that sort of technical jargon. Just remember that Mycelium is the helper of life…”

oh jules, there’s so much here,

i’ve also just started listen to the audiobook: the hidden life of trees

which is all about the same thing…
this underground network that allows
trees and forests to communicate.
like the pecan groves in braiding sweetgrass….

and all of this is connected to mycelium
which is basically internet for plants

and somehow,
it all ties into what Merton has to say,
about death,
and joy,
solitude,
and conneciton.

although, i have to unpack that more.
and hold your questions, not lightly,
but firmly
still tenderly.

i also must offer them back:

to what end have you been created for?
What is your centre?
Around what do you orbit?
What is it that you put into the world?
And protect in children?
Protect in men?
Protect in women?
Protect in humankind?

and i must add:

what are you connected to?
what do you connect?
who do you feed?
who feeds on you?
what feeds you?

okay… so much more to say
and ask….

but,
hopefully these threads
will continue to weave us
together,
even if it is all happening
beneath the surface of our days

also your merton was making me think of rilke

also ross notes that in writing about delight, he developed a radar for it.

he says: “one of the things that surprised me was how quickly the study of delight made delight more evident.”

i hope the same goes for us with joy.

also,
i love my van.

speaking again, and finally,
of abundance.

of joy.

i’m parked now by the mechanics,
writing by lamplight while
waiting for my ride.

what a gift.

what freedom.

freedom is the space that i inhabit,
but around what do i orbit?

(i think more research is needed………)

p.s. the image is not mine. it belongs to: Rob Hille / CC BY-SA (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)