nudges

(jules, i answered my own prompt today, in writing with another julie…. “where have i been nudge or shoved into changes this year? what have i resisted? what have i embraced?)

i wasn’t expecting to root,
though on some beneath-the-surface
strata i was longing for it.
i don’t like staying put.

and yet… i haven’t resisted it.
i have sunk into it.
like a seed into soil.
like a tractor into the earth.

i have bloomed or
at least,
the things around me have.
and i have rusted.

i stopped thinking
that there was anything
beyond this moment,
beyond this place,
beyond these covid-times.

i stopped dreaming and planning.
which, is okay.
sometimes. it is okay to just be.
be where you are.
so cliche.
and yet.

there has been a gift
in these times of standing still.
life in slow motion.
life paused
and yet
not really.

i have embraced
the slow
the at-home
the child-life

i have embraced
non-travel
gardening
being very local

i have embraced
contentment
in a very unexpected
way

the contentment
that comes
from lack
of expectation

there is such a
freedom i
never realized,
though i had
heard it explained.

if there is no where
else to be
and nothing
else to do.

then here
is where we are.

and that has felt
okay.

in my privileged
bubble with my
wide open spaces,
endless sky,
green shoots,
and wild children.

but i have resisted
stillness,
almost until now.

now i am tired
enough to just
put down my
phone.

to just sit,
quietly.

i feel some release
from trying to
stay connected
from trying to
fill the void.

some grasping
has loosened its
hold,
if only for this
cycle of the
moon.

i have noticed
deeper peace
in emptiness,
when i can
let things
stay
un-filled.

oh, but i still
eat all the
cookies after
i have brushed
my teeth.

but,
i scroll a little
less.

and resist
the urge
to text.

i find myself suddenly
with so much
creative energy.

ideas are bursting.

maybe it is working
retail that makes
me itch to
write down all
my ideas.

maybe it is
the lingering
fullness of the
moon.

maybe it really
is leaving just
enough
empty space
for the canvas
to be filled.

whatever it is,
i feel like i suddenly
have
“too much to do”
“too many ideas”

long lists
and
bubbling dreams.

this feels different
from the spring,
from that quiet
resignation.

but,
i’ve always known
that my seasons
don’t run
with the
times.

as the earth and
animals prepare
to rest and
cocoon,

i am finally
waking up.

stepping outside
this time of
hibernation,

i feel ready to
engage
with life.

and, when spring
comes, i may
once again
find myself with the
waning moon
preparing to be low
and finding grounding
in the garden,

allowing it to live
for me, for life
to create itself
while i lay fallow.

winter is my time
to grow.

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