ah jules,

i started writing you – but again you beat me to posting… so i shall leave that last message as a draft – (though i feel it also said something about eating popcorn in bed – a perpetual theme in my life, i suppose)

so i sit here, eating popcorn in bed, and i am thinking about a question that has been posed to me




(they say that one’s the charm)

what are you afraid of?

and the answer is:

  • i don’t know
  • so many things
  • being irrelevant
  • being utterly alone
  • pissing people off
  • not being cool
  • did i mention, being irrelevant?

…. and ‘the intellectual devotional’ — that is the OPPOSITE of what i need to read. my other question is…

“how do i get out of my freaking head and start living out of my heart?”

i was reminded that the head is the place of insecurity, of limitation.

the heart is the place of expansion, of connection.

(and, i know, i know – you always tell me that i have an open heart). BUT, i dwell so much in my head!

these days, i am mentally packing and repacking my room. i am ruminating.

when i am in this place, i feel far from flow. far from poetry. far from connection.

in this place, i feel isolated, controlling and generally neurotic.

but this place can sound good. can sound clear. can even sound wise.

but the heart, the heart is another matter. the heart transcends, circumvents, bypasses words.

(and i like words)

words can expose and reveal…

they can also obfuscate, muddle, blur…

one can appear vulnerable because one appears exposed.

but if exposure is actually comfortable – then does that actually mask real vulnerability?

and if so, then what does real vulnerability look like?

(i think i know.

and i don’t think i am comfortable to go there.


and so, for tonight, i will thank you for your example

for the example of your beautiful children.

for all of the gentle reminders.

and all of the wisdom yet to come.


missing you,

but with you,

– ruthi




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