Dear Ruthi,

The love letters sit at home beckoning me while I’m forced to turn away and hit the road. 

Av and I are in the throws of this ringette tournament weekend. It is the big deal of big deals – Provincial championships. I’m beyond frazzled. Scattered. Wired and exhausted simultaneously. Constantly checking I’m not heading to the wrong arena. Setting back-up alarms so we don’t miss the 5:40am wake-up. Just trying to make sure we show up where we’re supposed to be, when we’re supposed to be there, and with all the stuff we’re supposed to have. Oh ya, and that we both remember to eat.

All the while this 40 Day booklet taunts me with its questions. “What weight have you been lugging around?” It’s asked as if you knew a year ago that yesterday I’d be loading my van with more bags than any two people could ever need for a weekend. A whole collection of just-in-case stuff. And yet I still forgot my sunglasses (what a beautiful sunny day we’re having and ooooooo so many kilometres to drive) and my phone charger for the car (come on GPS). Essentials I’m surviving just fine without and yet I’m still irked to not have. 

“What reminder can you include to create space for emptiness?” You’re kidding me, right? Emptiness? Today?

While you ponder opening doors (and oh how I love to envision the door to your heart as a double hinged screened porch door), I ponder closing them. Last Sunday as I was walking the PIE labyrinth, I noticed a sign that read “Teachers remember to close the door.” It made me laugh, so contrary to what one would expect or want from a teacher. Now it was a yoga studio in shared space, so the closing door makes a ton of sense. But it made me think of the paradox of choice and how somewhere, somehow I need fewer choices, options, opportunities… stuff. I have to say ‘no’ more. I need to not even consider what’s behind door number 2 or 3. It’s just too crazy. Whatever “it” is. 

Try as I might, I can’t figure out where to draw the line. The thing is, Av’s making “it” work. Keeping it together. She’s playing hard. Trying harder. Growing so fast. As I scramble to get myself together, she’s asking me to hang the Do Not Disturb sign so housekeeping doesn’t come in and mess up our stuff, and then making her bed just so before leaving at 6am. I mean, where does she get this?! 

I don’t want this harried and hurried feeling to be our new normal. Yet… I want a rich life for me and my loves. I want to live fully. 

I’m reminded of something beautiful Glenn wrote, 

“Sleep stitch me together

Again today I’ve worn thin

The threads of my soul…”

I want to be used up at the end of the day. Well that’s one thing accomplished.

With love and with you,

Jules