butter tart blues

(first of all – jules… it is raining. cold night time rain.
that picture of ellie in the rain. oh my heart.
and carson with the jar.
present. permissive. engaged. wonder. awe. discovery. dancing.
aren’t those the words that fill in all the blanks?)

oh today jules,
i was sad again.

i am sad so often.
(p.s. tonight i’m listening to “the hunter st. blues”)

but, i looked at a photo,
and it brought me joy.

and i read your words.

and i got a text from a good friend.

another text from a sweet connection.

and i watched a video on healthy loving self discipline

(of course by my favourite insta psychologist lady)

today, i was feeling sad.
and i ate a butter tart.
i stare at them all day.
i have to smell them whenever i refill.
they tempt me, constantly.
so today,
i just ate one.
even though i had a honey crisp apple and baggie of cut up pizza mozzarella cheese beside me)
and. it was sickly sweet.
there was no joy.
it was delicious. and not-delicious.
and i just regretted it after.
felt sick for hours.
(and i like sweet things)

and, even though i hadn’t yet watched this video,
i kept saying to myself afterwards:

self-discipline is self-love

that butter tart could have been an act of love
or of joy.
but it wasn’t.
and i knew it wouldn’t be.

i don’t know if i was punishing myself
or rewarding myself or satiating myself
or dulling myself.

it seems so silly,
to write this much about
a fucking butter tart.


is always about

(p.s. did we miss the liz/rob conference?)

so i came home.
juiced lemon, ginger, turmeric, carrots.

the kids peeled. and tossed the fruit and veggies into the hole,
and it flew out, the carrot bonked jordi right in the head.
and we laughed. and squealed.
and i drank that tonic.
with joy.

and then,
i rubbed 2 kittens bellies.
bore witness to their bliss,
with envy.

realized i could somehow
become a ‘cat lady’

again, you have no idea
how astonished i am
that cats have
made my
of joy.

and somehow,

and now,
i have brushed my teeth.
my one small act.
(done, even though it meant venturing into the rain,
which still hasn’t stopped)

my nose is so cold.
so i’ll post these words
turn out the light

and really hope that i don’t
have to get out of my
sleeping bag to
pee in the rain

(but if i do,
i hope i dance)

(also, i just got sent this video… i have to share!)

(music by benj from mayhemingways)

(also i read poetry. out loud. a story for another time!)


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