and then the clouds

is there any joy in sadness jules?

that bittersweet goodbye
clouds in a sunset sky
some momentary reprieve
a gilt-lined sorrow

it feels impossible
in the midst of
grief,
to fathom
joy

when the waves
crash so
resoundingly
that you can’t
catch a breath
let alone
force a
smile

but,
there is maybe
joy in some
distant way
when the
paint has
dried on
grief’s
renovation.

wrapped in a
love-shawl,
knowing the
missing will
(hopefully)
be worth it.

wandering,
semi-lost in a
forest,
hoping that
somehow,
all of this
life.
love.
pain.
sadness.
ache.
hope.
mundanity.
insanity.
loss.
change.
isolation.
embrace.
memory.
experience.
life.

is worth
it.

without joy,
is any of
it worth
much at all?

is joy the same
as love?

is one a prerequisite
for the other?

some course
you must take
lessons to
be learned
through
heartbreak

feeling it all
to emerge
on some other
side.

EXCEPT THERE
IS NO OTHER SIDE

that part is all
a lie.

progress.
success.
all the ‘ss’s’

it was never a
line,
never a simple trajectory,
always an orbit.

no a-to-b
no recipe
no pass/fail
no finish line

so we spin
and we suffer
and we love
and we leave

we toss and
we turn and
we love
and we grieve

and somehow,
all of it is
worth it.

even when it
feels like too much

even when it doesn’t
feel worth it

somehow,
in some cosmic
dance with no
steps, far
outside 4/4 time

there is a pirouette,
a glint,
a rainbow hinted,
a smirk that reaches
her eyes.

there are voice memos
and long letters
and that ache deep
in your stomach
because you just
love someone so
much you want to
scream

like when the sky
catches fire
in 3D and
the only vista
“can’t be beat”
and you end up
in a McDonald’s parking
lot, desperate for
one more glimpse
of something that
felt so foreign,
just an hour ago.

how quickly
and forever
it seems like
the sky can
shift

like we adjust
like we’ll
see one another
embrace
again
soon.

soon enough.

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