oh jules…

the sun is barely rising through this rain-frosted glass as i sit here in my van, snuggled inside my -9 sleeping bag even though it is only 9 outside.

the moon last night. she was something fierce. tonight full.

you asked me where i find joy.

i struggle to answer this. because my joy so rarely feels bursting these days. it so rarely mimics happiness (is it supposed to? does it ever?)

but, if falling asleep with moon-rays on my cheek is joy, then i need to redefine it.

maybe joy is peace filled up?

like autumn’s quiet change. like a forest of fiery trees. like a field of asters and goldenrod.

i do know exuberant joy.

like when she is being a silly tiny human. when i’m skiing down a hill.

maybe there’s a difference between joy in motion and joy in stillness.

these days – so much of life has become still. and in resistance, i have looked to fill it up with things that take me elsewhere – outside my head, outside this place, outside this moment.

but the past few days have seen stillness embraced. i deleted a few apps. which helps. i find a bit more time for solitude, which is lonely but good.

i sit in my van (last night with the company of the moon) and try to write or pray. katie gave me a finger labyrinth, i’ve never really used it. but it is such a beautiful gift. sometimes i light a candle. usually i just sit there. and, between my grasping texts seeking connection, i get to experience still joy.

watch the clouds pass in front of the moon in slo-mo.

see rain slide down the window as if someone’s fine art.

sit in the woods and feel my heart catch a spark again.

so, i guess i want to think about the kinds of joy. the different moments and places she inhabits.

because these days, so many are struggling – in some global sense and just in my own little circles. life can feel cruel and unusual. in really big ways. i know there is joy out there to match. but sometimes she feels so small and insignificant. joy is so often small. most good things are, aren’t they?

doesn’t it (always) come down to attention?

xoxox

with you,

ruthi

(p.s. i’ll probably write more this eve if the moon is shining bright)