wishing

sitting here
inside
outside this circle

 

the laughter
the games
the endless plates of food

 

i wish that i could
enter in
wish that there was
a switch
i could flip

 

a switch that made me
social
energetic
happy

 

a switch that made me
care a little bit more
engage a little bit more
think a little bit less

 

there are so many
situations
when i feel on the edges
feel my edges
feel on edge

 

when i am
welcome
but separate
present
but apart

 

and this time of year
means gathering
at gatherings

 

which means
pretending
mustering
chit-chatting
not-quite-smiling
food-table-lingering
bathroom-stall-hiding
polite-excuse-conjuring
regretting
retreating
binge-eating

 

and for all my
wishing
and
trying
this is just the
way that i’m
wired

 

a bulb or
two burnt out
a few
flickering
some shining

 

and for all my
wishing
for the
switch-flipping
for the summoning
of someone else
to enter my
body,
take the controller,
play this game
a little
bit
better

 

for all of this
wishing
i am still
me
still here
still
trying

 

? what would happen if you had a switch you could flip
? what are you looking forward to this weekend; what are you dreading

 

>>> be gentle with yourself

 

we are who we are, 
who we are made to be. 
today, let us rest in that.
help me to rest in that. 
with all my intricacies 
idiosyncrasies
and irritations. 
help us to make it through, 
to find joy in the process.
to remember our intentions.
to remember the reasons
we all gather. 
to remember the Source,
of all this life we’re living. 
and while we are wishing, 
 help us to trust that new life is growing. 

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