i am feeling so anxious.

sometimes there is a
source,
a root i can chase,
tunnel to the
origins of my
anxious rumination

but some days,
i just have this feeling
this foreboding
i can’t shake.
this gnawing in my gut
that is different
than my usual
digestive disruptions.

it makes me want to
go back to bed.
makes my breathing
labored.
makes me want to
avoid
avoid
avoid.

this isn’t full-blown panic
or a healthy stress response.

it is something that calls
me to pay attention.

pay attention.

…but don’t try to fix it.

(but i want to fix it)

i want to figure it out.
uncover the reasons
so i can remove them.
dig them out of
the shadows.

but,
in these shadows…
on these dark days…

maybe i just need to sit with it

(but i don’t want to)

and so i write

write to release
write to solve
write to figure out
write to tune in

and sometimes,
writing is just another way
to avoid.
another way to
add layers,
rather than sit.
be still.
pay attention.
breathe.

and i know that this feeling
too, will pass.
like the ones before
and the ones to come.

even now,
i am not the same as i was before.

? how are you feeling right now
           good or bad, just know it will pass

>>> today, try to sit with an uncomfortable feeling without trying to avoid

we are grateful for feeling,
knowing that even numb is a feeling.
grateful for the tears that
sometimes don’t stop.
the anger that burns,
the stomach that churns.
we are grateful for laughter
that overtakes.
for the calm that descends,
for the peace that sometimes
stills our pounding hearts.
today,
may we feel it all
be present to each moment,
in madness and agony
in joy and delight.
and may we trust that new life is growing

even in this mayhem.